“Want to join the ladybug club?” my daughter asked. She was 8. Her siblings were small, and life was busy.
“Sure,” I wearily answered, and signed my name as a new member of the ladybug club.
She had already recruited her dad and sister. I was last on her family member list. Now that her family members were all signed up, she immediately requested we have a ladybug club meeting.
I looked at my 1-year-old who needed to nurse and be changed.
“Maybe later, sweetie,” I said.
Her shoulders fell, but it didn’t bother me too much because I had grown accustomed to disappointing her by putting things off for another time.
There was always something that needed to be done:
- Messes to clean up
- Babies to feed
- Work deadlines to meet
- Messes to clean up
- Did I mention the messes?
I hadn’t really thought this through. This was just life with three young children. Life was busy and messy. And messes needed to be cleaned up.
So I was frequently telling my children to wait a minute (or a few days).
And I was tired. The children had so many physical needs, and the house was constantly a disaster.
Their behavior wasn’t that great either.
And I was frazzled and annoyed all the time.
Just a Few Minutes Is All They Need
And then my daughter started the ladybug club. She begged every day for us to have our first meeting.
Finally, on a weeknight at bedtime when I was at my most tired, I agreed to go to her first ladybug meeting.
She beamed as she ran to gather supplies, gaining momentum and enthusiasm as she scurried around the house shouting instructions on what we, as the attendees, should do.
After she had prepared, she invited us into her room.
“Welcome to the first meeting of the Ladybug Club,” she stood and said as we walked into the room. Then she gracefully gestured to her dresser: “There’s water for everyone on the dresser. Help yourself.”
We each sipped water as she led us in a discussion about how to protect the environment (we decided we would pick up trash outside) and several other agenda items I no longer remember.
While I can’t remember the details of the conversations we had, I do remember how proud my daughter was as she took control of the meeting she had organized.
We actually enjoyed ourselves at the Ladybug Club meeting, and she felt important as we valued her plans and ideas.
Everyone went to bed happy that night.
Huh, I thought. That wasn’t so bad.
In fact, everyone was so happy, I decided to say yes the next day whenever my kids asked me to join them in something.
What Happened When I Said Yes
I thought it was going to be a disaster of a day. I thought I’d get nothing done because they’d be begging for my attention every single minute.
But it turns out I was actually able to get MORE done that day.
You see, every time a child called me over to do something — Can you read me this book? Look at this tower I just built. Want to pretend to be dogs with me? — I found they only needed me for a few seconds.
I heeded every call, and discovered that while sometimes they wanted my attention for quite a while, most of the time, they were satisfied with just a few devoted seconds of attention, followed by a hug.
I found myself saying frequently, “Thank you for inviting me to see this/join you.” And then I would get back to what I needed to do.
We even had fewer meltdowns and arguments that day.
Plus, I was more at peace, and I felt like I had actually enjoyed my children that day.
There were plenty of interruptions, it’s true. But the interruptions were not long and drawn out.
The thing is, during the previous day (and days), when I had put my children off all day, they still found ways to get my attention.
Big ways.
They fought with each other. They hung on my legs while I cooked dinner. They defied my requests.
It took so long to get through anything, and nothing ever seemed to be done well.
But this day when I said yes?
They received more positive attention from me, and I got more done.
I decided to try doing this every day, and I’ve never looked back.
When my children want to share something with me, I join them.
Most days.
My productivity has increased, my relationships with my children is better, and the house is even somewhat cleaner.
It’s not perfect. I have days when I need to be alone more than I need to connect with my children. I have days when there’s simply too much to do, and frequent breaks won’t fit into the schedule.
I have days when I’m cranky. Or annoyed. Or just DONE. Plain and simple.
But I have found that I get the most bang for my parenting/getting-stuff-done buck when I simply stop and give attention whenever it’s asked of me.
When my children were babies, I had grand dreams of guiding them to self-confidence and greatness by teaching, coaxing, loving, and playing with them. In my dreams, there was always plenty of time to teach the appropriate lessons and dote on my obedient children. Nobody was ever fighting, and nobody was ever tired.
The reality is a bit more difficult than I imagined. Responsibilities are heavier than expected, and children are more tiring than I knew. Personal space is more important than I ever knew it could be, and childish games are really dull.
Children do gain self-confidence from teaching, coaxing, loving, and playing. But the trick? Most of that ends up taking place when I would rather be doing anything else.
The happy twist? As soon as I let go and give some time and attention on my children, I find that it’s actually exactly what we all needed.
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Not sure how you became so smart but I love that you listen to that inner voice and it has guided you well.